It’s been one of those years (TM)
A year I wouldn’t have envisaged at the end of the last one. A year where certain places are deemed too heartbreaking to return to yet. Where certain songs can’t be listened to. Where frosty mornings bring more flashbacks than fresh starts.
A year where for each good thing that happened it was compounded by a worry, a fear that it’ll lead back to where I was before.
A year of grief.
A year of gut wrenching truths that even now I’m too proud or naive to admit to but I know they’re there.
It was a year of endings.
It was a year most unfair and cruel.
I’d love nothing more than to be able to turn the dial back and redo it all. Maybe things would have been different but I can’t and instead I’ve chosen to look at what things help with recovery.
I joined Galz Gone Wild after a Thursday evening crying to my mother about how miserable I was as a result of this year. I was worried, terrified, deeply unhappy with myself and very lonely. I had a habit of bailing, of going silent in fear that no one really gave a crap about me anyway – so I cut ties before ties could be cut on me. I couldn’t trust myself to make a single decision no matter how big or small.