Despondency

Despondency

I’ve stopped telling people how I feel. It has almost become a competition on who has it worse which doesn’t help anyone. I know it’s hard to remain objective when you feel like what’s happening to you is the worst possible thing but just like someone else’s beauty isn’t an absence of your own, your problems existing doesn’t mean others’ are trivial. So in order to deal with what’s on my plate, I’ve stopped sharing it.

I think that the best description on how I’ve been feeling lately is despondency. I am overwhelmed the point of being downright disinterested. The things that make me happy, don’t. The people I find comfort in, I can’t. I struggle to get up and go to work, to eat well, to get any kind of exercise, to read, to write. The only feelings I do feel are anxiety and frustration. And extreme fatigue.

Part of that is the medication I’m on, it kind of sedates you. I know if I take it in the morning, it knocks me out completely. Part of it is the emotion of the last number of months. Part of it is subconsciously knowing I have to move back home in a few months. Part of it is the constant managing of my finances so that I have enough to live on.

It doesn’t matter how much sleep I have, I will wake up tired.

So, in other words, it’s just the stress of life. But that doesn’t make it any less difficult to deal with.

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2009 v 2019

2009 v 2019

I see everyone posting their 10 year challenge pictures.

Ten years ago my life was widely different to what it is now. Sure, everyone’s is – be a bit weird if it wasn’t, right?  But ten years ago, I was preparing for my Junior Cert which  was a catalyst for some of the major issues I faced in my late teenage years and early 20s.

Up until 2016, I categorised my life before and after 2009. My life was calm, smooth and pleasant before 2009 and after, it became a chaotic, anxious mess. Because 2009 was the year that I first experienced Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I’ve written about my OCD before. Numerous amounts of times. In fact, I’m pretty sure you’re all sick of hearing about it because God knows I am. I can’t say I was an anxious child growing up – I don’t really remember – but if you had said I’d an underlying mental health issue, I don’t think I’d have believed you.

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OCD, Nine Years On.

OCD, Nine Years On.

This year will be nine years since I started experiencing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (and six since I started doing something about it).

I think a lot of people who knew me when I started college are aware of this but I’m choosing to write about it now, nearly a decade on from the first instance of it (during my Junior Cert!), and six since I sought help, as I have a much better perspective of my experience than before.

There are two days in my life that could categorically be dubbed ‘the worst days of my life’.

The first one was when I was 18 on a family holiday in France and the other when I was on a trip to Achill Island in 2013.

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Here’s To

Here’s To

A brief one as I stand in line for 2018

Here’s to the one who said it was going to be fine, when I was sure it wasn’t.

To the one who wanted a catch up but didn’t let me say a thing.

To the one whose actions contradict their words

To the one who didn’t ask questions and just sent support

To the one who never makes me feel welcome

To the one who thought I had no feelings of my own to hurt.

To the ones I hurt more than I knew.

To the one I wish I ended things better with

To the friends I disappointed by my own lack of courage or back bone

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a note on the culture of depression

a note on the culture of depression

It can prove difficult to stay positive in the world today. Between gig economies, dating scenes, and social media, it’s easy for your mood to see-saw from different extremes. Add that to the horrors going on in the world right now like London, Manchester, Syria, and the U.S. (I’m talking about you, Trump) and Turkey, it’s no wonder that more and more young people are being treated for mental health issues.

This isn’t a post aimed to cure mental illness. I will not go down the route of others who advocate along the lines of “depression? shur have a cuppa tea, be grand” – they are just frustrating. However, if I’ve learned anything from my eight years of CBT and therapy, it’s that the small things can be the catalyst in creating better states of mind.

But before I go into that, let’s have a look at depression and suicide rates.

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How To Deal With A Burn Out

How To Deal With A Burn Out

I did the exact thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do. I hit a wall and crashed.

My Mum returned from the pharmacy today with voltarol, panadol, lemsip, and a quip about how awful I looked. In all fairness, she was right.

(I didn’t take all the medication at once, I promise that.)

I can usually tell when I’m stressed out. It’s when I wake up and my shoulder is aching me. I mean, really aching me. And no amount of extra fast panadol can soothe it. It puts me out of sync with my life. I can’t lie down and nap, I can’t exercise to the best of my ability, and I can’t relax.

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When Suicide Knocks

When Suicide Knocks

Yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day. You may have seen it trending on Twitter or it being discussed on Facebook by brave people who shared their experiences. But our attitude towards talking about suicide still needs work.

It’s a concept that is thrown around a lot lately.

We all know people, sometimes ourselves, who use it in jest if they come across something that requires a little effort, (“Oh my God I’ll shoot myself if I have to go back to that class” or “X happened, kill me”, you know you’ve heard them).

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