I’ve stopped telling people how I feel. It has almost become a competition on who has it worse which doesn’t help anyone. I know it’s hard to remain objective when you feel like what’s happening to you is the worst possible thing but just like someone else’s beauty isn’t an absence of your own, your problems existing doesn’t mean others’ are trivial. So in order to deal with what’s on my plate, I’ve stopped sharing it.
I think that the best description on how I’ve been feeling lately is despondency. I am overwhelmed the point of being downright disinterested. The things that make me happy, don’t. The people I find comfort in, I can’t. I struggle to get up and go to work, to eat well, to get any kind of exercise, to read, to write. The only feelings I do feel are anxiety and frustration. And extreme fatigue.
Part of that is the medication I’m on, it kind of sedates you. I know if I take it in the morning, it knocks me out completely. Part of it is the emotion of the last number of months. Part of it is subconsciously knowing I have to move back home in a few months. Part of it is the constant managing of my finances so that I have enough to live on.
It doesn’t matter how much sleep I have, I will wake up tired.
So, in other words, it’s just the stress of life. But that doesn’t make it any less difficult to deal with.
Continue reading “Despondency”
I turn 25 on Friday.
I don’t think I’m as horrified as I could be (or should be). I don’t mind birthdays but they were never really a huge focus in my life. I’m not a “it’s my birthday month” kind of person, I honestly just want to get on with my day.
It took me a while to realise that your birthday is just another day in the calendar. You’re not supposed to (or expected to) magically feel anything in particular. Things aren’t meant to be miraculously different. You won’t discover the meaning of life or find enlightenment. It really is just another day. So I’ve stopped having massive expectations for my birthday and allowed it to just be. And for that, I am much happier.
But classing myself as being in my ‘mid-20s’ is a little frightening. Here I am, 24 going on 25, with a handful of achievements and dreams of a couple more.
I share my birthday with Reese Witherspoon and William Shatner (v cool) as well as my best friend (medium cool) who was born in the same hospital on the same day in the same year just hours apart. He and I only met in college but our lives ran pretty parallel to one another until then.
In those 25 years, I’ve done a lot. As much as anyone would really. There’s nothing particularly extraordinary about my life. I haven’t achieved anything massively spectacular or survived any enormous amount of trauma (aside from mental health struggles) but I have learned a few things; things that have helped me, things that I wish I knew before I learned them, things that have been difficult to come to terms with and things that have more or less saved my life – both metaphorically and literally.
So I thought it’d be fitting to share twenty-five of those things here and maybe when I hit fifty, I’ll have another twenty-five to throw at you.
Continue reading “25 for 25”
I see everyone posting their 10 year challenge pictures.
Ten years ago my life was widely different to what it is now. Sure, everyone’s is – be a bit weird if it wasn’t, right? But ten years ago, I was preparing for my Junior Cert which was a catalyst for some of the major issues I faced in my late teenage years and early 20s.
Up until 2016, I categorised my life before and after 2009. My life was calm, smooth and pleasant before 2009 and after, it became a chaotic, anxious mess. Because 2009 was the year that I first experienced Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
I’ve written about my OCD before. Numerous amounts of times. In fact, I’m pretty sure you’re all sick of hearing about it because God knows I am. I can’t say I was an anxious child growing up – I don’t really remember – but if you had said I’d an underlying mental health issue, I don’t think I’d have believed you.
Continue reading “2009 v 2019”
This is a post that I’ve been thinking about for quite a while now and it stems from a long-growing issue that has been knocking around my brain for over two years. I’m going to say now that it deals with some pretty heavy stuff – weight, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self-esteem, etc so if you think that this could be something that could cause you harm, don’t proceed. Your health is more important than this.
This is also a difficult one to write because I really want to broach it with extreme sensitivity. The last thing I want is to offend or come across like an ungrateful bitch because trust me, if there was a simple quick fix to this, you know I’d take it in a heartbeat. And if this does offend you, upset you or make you dislike me more than you might already do, I am sorry. It was not my intention and I hope I can change that perception in the future for you.
Continue reading “Flaw”
This is going to be a long one because, to be honest, and to my total surprise, I really loved Littleton.
There’s not a whole lot to the place at first glance. The RTD light rail that goes there hardly announces the area when it passes through. Littleton is simply defined by its ‘Downtown’ and ‘Mineral’ stops. It’s pretty much as suburb-y as you can get but once you really get into it, you’ll see that Littleton is a treasure trove of American life. It’s full of colour, whimsical stores tacked onto homes and old architecture. If I had to compare it to anywhere it would be to Stars Hollow (hello, Gilmore Girl fans) and then some.
Continue reading “Littleton, Colorado”
Mackenzie Horan’s Design Darling has come back onto my radar lately. If any of you saw my tweets about wanting to raise a labrador in Nantucket, this is the site where I got the idea (except she has a Cockapoo!).
I had heard of Mackenzie a few times before from other blogs. Lots of big names tend to crop up on what I call ‘The Big Three’ (carlytheprepster.com, thelondoner.me and nursefancypants.blogspot.com – ie, the blogs that I religiously refresh). But Mackenzie’s is like looking into a portal of what perfection would be. Not necessarily all clean and colourful Nantucket vibes with the beautiful furniture and needlepoints (which are incredible ngl) but the idea of doing your own thing with someone you love and having fun whilst doing it.
Continue reading “101 Things in 1001 Days”
February feels like that first breath of fresh air you get when you get off the plane that is January. It’s like suffering through 31 days of turbulence, not really knowing when you’ll hit the ground, if at all, and only happy once the 1st of February’s brief string of days roll around in the form of the seatbelt light going off.
I know where I was going with this, I promise.
The days are getting brighter which means that I no longer leave for work in the dead of night and arrive home in the dead of night. The air feels fresher (though the weather is still yoyoing), everyone seems to be in a better mood, and it’s fine to start “spring cleaning” because hey, it’s technically Spring if you live on this island.
I’ve been beyond busy with work, gym, and drama (the good kind) that I’ve barely had a moment to myself amidst rehearsals, fighting for treadmills, and receiving cold calls from stationery suppliers in the back end of nowhere.
Continue reading “February 2.0”
A brief one as I stand in line for 2018
Here’s to the one who said it was going to be fine, when I was sure it wasn’t.
To the one who wanted a catch up but didn’t let me say a thing.
To the one whose actions contradict their words
To the one who didn’t ask questions and just sent support
To the one who never makes me feel welcome
To the one who thought I had no feelings of my own to hurt.
To the ones I hurt more than I knew.
To the one I wish I ended things better with
To the friends I disappointed by my own lack of courage or back bone
Continue reading “Here’s To”
Hello New Graduates
Welcome to the Real World of taxes, graduate programmes, conferences, long client phone calls, and insurance. It’s not a pretty one. In fact, it often gets really, really ugly. Gone are the days where having four classes in a day was a justifiable complaint, when you could skip a lecture every now and then, where you spent all day and all night labouring over an essay like you were giving birth. Now you’re into what they have been complaining about for decades – the dreaded 9-5.
There are many things you won’t miss. The exams, the study, the essays, the meetings with lecturers or speaking out at seminars but the stress and emotions associated with them, they now come in different forms. You will still stress about writing papers, submitting reviews, passing interview questions or questions from your superiors. Deadlines still exist, as do hangovers, correct email etiquette matters now more than ever but it’s not all bad – in fact, you begin to relish evenings, weekends and bank holidays where you don’t have to come home to more work.
Sure, work life can be stressful but at least you’re spared of the constant fear of how your performance will impact your grade nine months down the road.
I’m out of college 18 months now and I’m in my first office job just over four months – I’ve had stints in shops and internships in the meantime – and I think I’ve learned more from being a so-called “professional” than a student. It’s as if college life prepared you for the basics but nothing can prepare you for everything that it contains.
I’ve prepared six lessons I’ve learned from the last few months of full time office work – including my internship – that I would have loved to have known when I graduated. Remember that starting a full time job is the first step on a very long ladder. You can’t see where it ends but you know that taking that step will bring you closer to whatever it is.
Continue reading “6 Lessons I’ve Learned From My First Office Job”
I base a lot of my self worth on the opinions of others. And then some.
I base a lot of my self worth on the opinions of others and in long drawn-out comparisons that leave me feeling stale. And every time, it ends with “why not me”.
It’s something that’s been there for a lot of my life. My school was competitive, elitist – and whilst it taught me some incredibly important moral values, it didn’t see us all as equal. Some were just more equal than others. Ten year old me wanted to be good at sports but I couldn’t because I didn’t partake in extra training outside of school, I wanted to wear the bulky Tiffany necklaces and own a Mini Cooper, things that divided the social standing, gave you a sense of “identity”, and initiated you in the unspoken secret society of kids who I believed to be undeniably happy, the only problems in their lives being whether or not they wanted to curl their hair in the morning.
It wasn’t jealousy so much as it was thinking, I wasn’t good enough or happy until I had these things.
Continue reading “Who We Are”