i found my tribe

i found my tribe

It’s been one of those years (TM)

A year I wouldn’t have envisaged at the end of the last one. A year where certain places are deemed too heartbreaking to return to yet. Where certain songs can’t be listened to. Where frosty mornings bring more flashbacks than fresh starts. 

A year where for each good thing that happened it was compounded by a worry, a fear that it’ll lead back to where I was before. 

A year of grief.

A year of gut wrenching truths that even now I’m too proud or naive to admit to but I know they’re there.

It was a year of endings.

It was a year most unfair and cruel. 

I’d love nothing more than to be able to turn the dial back and redo it all. Maybe things would have been different but I can’t and instead I’ve chosen to look at what things help with recovery. 

I joined Galz Gone Wild after a Thursday evening crying to my mother about how miserable I was as a result of this year. I was worried, terrified, deeply unhappy with myself and very lonely. I had a habit of bailing, of going silent in fear that no one really gave a crap about me anyway – so I cut ties before ties could be cut on me. I couldn’t trust myself to make a single decision no matter how big or small.

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Landslide

Landslide

I was never originally afraid of change. It always seemed very attractive to me when it was pushed into the near future and I didn’t have to really worry about it much. In other words, I wasn’t afraid of the idea of change. But the next few months are a period of change for me and yes, I’m afraid. 

Stevie Nicks sang Landslide on Thursday night and I cried. Not only because that song was a big one in my childhood but because it makes sense to me right now. I’ve become quite comfortable with how my life has been the last few months and now that things are changing, I’m afraid of how it might change me. 

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101 Things in 1001 Days

101 Things in 1001 Days

Mackenzie Horan’s Design Darling has come back onto my radar lately. If any of you saw my tweets about wanting to raise a labrador in Nantucket, this is the site where I got the idea (except she has a Cockapoo!).

I had heard of Mackenzie a few times before from other blogs. Lots of big names tend to crop up on what I call ‘The Big Three’ (carlytheprepster.com, thelondoner.me and nursefancypants.blogspot.com – ie, the blogs that I religiously refresh). But Mackenzie’s is like looking into a portal of what perfection would be. Not necessarily all clean and colourful Nantucket vibes with the beautiful furniture and needlepoints (which are incredible ngl) but the idea of doing your own thing with someone you love and having fun whilst doing it.

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September

September

September has been a busy one. It was the first full month at my new job which comes with its own challenges itself but also the first full month of me actively trying to find balance in my life. There were some ups and some downs (literally… I fell down the stairs) but I feel much better about things than I did one month ago.

Here are the four things this month that kept me busy:

Gilmore Girls

Dear Amy Sherman-Palladino,

I am so sorry I ever called this show boring.

I managed to binge watch the entire first season of Gilmore Girls in a week, which is impressive for me given that I was never one for Netflix binge watching and that the episodes are approx 40mins long.

But God, I am so sorry for ever calling this TV show boring.

I was only eleven when I first saw it and I guess I just didn’t get it. Why was there such a big deal over Lorelai being so young? Why on earth would you call your daughter Rory? I had pretty much judged it before I could actually mature and appreciate it.

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Year Update

Year Update

Note: this may be a tad bit boring but it keeps my goals for this site in check!

It’s been a full year since I started writing here and here are a few things I’ve learned:

  1. I enjoy it more than I thought. Even just getting words out onto a page has done wonders for my thinking process and decision-making abilities.
  2. The response has been second to none. I’ve had many people come forward and thank me for something I wrote. Many others have stuck their head around the door to see if I was alright. It’s brought me closer to my friends and has opened up discussion on topics we are still too afraid to talk about, like feeling lost/lonely, financial problems, and extreme anxiety.
  3. I’ve met/spoken to some incredible people. I’ve had total strangers reach out to me who have since become friends. I’ve reached out to people whom I have looked up to for their writing for years. I’ve been inspired by the incredible and diverse community that’s out there and they have been there through the writers’ block, the frustration, and the tears.
  4. I want to keep doing this. I haven’t fallen out of love with it like I have with other blogs and I think that’s purely because I’m writing about what I know and what I feel. And I want to be more open about what I write about. After all, I am writing for myself, not for money, sponsorship, or affiliates.

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Writer’s Block

Writer’s Block

These two words can mean different things to different people. I mean, there are days when I’m sending a text or an email and blame ‘writer’s block’ on my inability to voice my thoughts and then there are days, weeks, months even, that I have such pent up energy inside me that turns to frustration because I simply cannot get the words onto the page. The latter is where I am right now.

I think writer’s block is one of the most infuriating things that can happen to a writer. To me, it’s like having a knee injury and not being able to play sports, no matter how much you want to, knowing that if you force it, it could damage you.

Because writing is considered a hobby more than a way of life, it’s easy for people to put down writer’s block as a silly thing that you’ll eventually get over. And to be fair, some people do, but when an absence of inspiration or blank creative mind is hanging over you for months, you begin to think, will I ever feel inspired again?

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