Being

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It’s eight minutes past three in the afternoon and I’m in a local coffee shop with high hopes of “getting my life together”.

In fact, I’m sitting here, with this humongous weight on my chest. I’ve been struggling for a while about what to write, to bring to life the ideas in my head either for this blog or otherwise. I had great plans of figuring everything out but once I sit down, my mind falls blank.

There’s this catch in my throat. I’m feeling guilty about my life at the minute – it’s not something I’ve really experienced before. I rehash events in my head where I was the direct cause of something negative. I go through old ex’s profiles, their new girlfriends seem nice, I try to remind myself that their beauty isn’t an absence of my own but it doesn’t work.

I sort of get now what Britney meant by “my loneliness is killing me”. I wouldn’t really put it so far but there’s definitely been a sense of isolation I have been feeling lately that could be as a result of my location, my job, my all-consuming hobbies, and maybe my lack of desire to do anything in between due to sheer tiredness. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was depressed.

But I’m not, at least not the whole hog anyway, because I’ve been there many times before. I feel like a huge blot on the face of a seemingly perfect life and I don’t quite know how I got here or how to proceed.

So in a bid to end this isolation, I’m reaching out because I know I’m not the only one who feels this. This isn’t a cry for help, or a cry for attention, this is genuine curiosity – I’m not the only one, right?

I see now that even the best of us don’t feel our best even 60% of the time. Looking back on my social media, especially Instagram, my life looks pretty perfect and yet, I don’t feel anywhere near that. In between those curated posts, there are days I slept right through, evenings I argued with people, where I cried, days I wondered what my worth or purpose was. I’m still striving to be better/to improve/to glo up/to wake up among white plushy duvets and pillows with the New York Times next to a tray with coffee and toast but I’m not giving myself a chance to be human. No matter what we have, we always want better. And I think that’s part of why I feel so down. I’m constantly competing with myself.

I feel guilty for doing anything that isn’t productive – playing video games, sleeping in, even eating breakfast or scrolling on my phone. I’m always thinking “I could be doing something better as if the things I do don’t already give me satisfaction. “I shouldn’t enjoy these things because they don’t fit in with who I want to be” and then I’ll be at work or doing something productive and I’ll long for doing something I enjoy. It’s like I can’t win.

I push myself to be better than just being.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve ourselves but we strive so hard to improve what is already good, what is already the pinnacle of who we are. I will hold my hands up here and say I’m absolutely guilty for striving to be better just so that someone else will like me more. I never feel good enough for my friends – I don’t know why, I know I’m worthy of their attention, it’s like a game, how bad can I feel before it magically gets better.

My aim this week so, is to simply just be. If I want to cry, I can. If I want to do nothing, I give myself permission to do so. I give myself permission to be myself without forcing a greater image of myself onto my already vulnerable mind. We can still improve myself or at least strive to but we need to be kinder to ourselves in doing so.

 

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A Tolkien of Modernity

If you don’t know me, you won’t know that I’ve recently fallen into a Hobbit shaped hole which I don’t really want to crawl out of just yet. I’ve become so enthralled with it that I’ve noticed it creeping into my style choices – which given the other worldly aesthetic, probably isn’t such a bad idea.

(Tolkien may have said all that is gold does not glitter but I don’t think at that stage he’d seen any of Chupi’s pieces yet)

Anyway, I thought it might be a good idea to throw everything I’ve been inspired by lately into one post – perhaps you’ll find a little modern Tolkien inspiration too? Let’s just be thankful Smeagol isn’t around anymore.

Let me know if you find anything else that’s perfect!

Faye Gown | Folkster

Just The Two Of Us | Chupi

Ellery Beaded Belt | Folkster

Gold Sequin Flower Anklet | New Look

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Helen James Considered Wild Rhubarb Candle | Dunnes

Cream Matera Duvet | Dunnes

Beccaa Harmony Ruffle High Neck Dress | Brown Thomas

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Reach for the Stars Necklace | Chupi

Believe in Magic Necklace | Chupi

Floral Belt/Headband | Folkster

Embossed Floral Vase | Anthropologie

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Liberty for Anthropologie Mug | Anthropologie

Bloom iPhone Case | Urban Outfitters 

Gem Embellished Pendent Necklace | Anthropologie

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Milla Gown | Folkster

Buncha Flowers iPhone Case  | Urban Outfitters 

Your Northern Star Ring | Chupi

Hummingbird Print Bedding Set  | M&S

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Beaded Hair Slide | Folkster

Solid Gold Sparkle in the Wild Fiery Grey Diamond | Chupi

Banana Leaf Trinket Dish | Urban Outfitters

Grazia Flower Dress | Brown Thomas

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Pile Side Plate | Anthropologie

Salem Beaded Belt | Folkster

New Traditions Mug | Anthropologie

Sarena Skirt | Folkster

Fia Gown | Folkster

Infinity Twig Ring | Chupi

April Reads

April Reads

I have recently begun devouring books again. And I mean, flying through three books in two weeks. That was usually so unlike me. In fact, not too long ago, I could barely finish a book in a year. School and college deterred me from reading for fun, drained my eyes and felt like a chore. And when I did try to read for fun, it was usually non-fiction – so there’s really no wonder why I struggled and struggled.

But after reading The Lord of the Rings, I found myself back in the habit. I read so much that when I went to the bookshop and picked up a few new novels, I didn’t feel guilty – that was the rate I was going at.

So here are a few things I’ve read lately:

Continue reading “April Reads”

OCD, Nine Years On.

OCD, Nine Years On.

This year will be nine years since I started experiencing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (and six since I started doing something about it).

I think a lot of people who knew me when I started college are aware of this but I’m choosing to write about it now, nearly a decade on from the first instance of it (during my Junior Cert!), and six since I sought help, as I have a much better perspective of my experience than before.

There are two days in my life that could categorically be dubbed ‘the worst days of my life’.

The first one was when I was 18 on a family holiday in France and the other when I was on a trip to Achill Island in 2013.

Continue reading “OCD, Nine Years On.”

Inside The Ritz

Inside The Ritz

I promised myself I would start 2018 as I meant to go on and if that meant Afternoon Tea at the Ritz, then so be it. (Spoiler, nothing has really come close to it in the two weeks since).

The Ritz is an institution of tea, brioche sandwiches and homemade cakes, its only competitor being the likes of Claridge’s. If you do plan to go, I would recommend booking it, and booking it early as, although they have four sittings a day, it is extremely popular.

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We arrived a little early due to the Mayor’s New Year’s Parade and were seated in the lounge which allowed me some time to take some sneaky photos. Photography is allowed but you’re asked to take your shots discreetly.

Continue reading “Inside The Ritz”

2018

2018

What I’m bringing in to 2018

  1. A fully comprehensible planner for both work and personal life that I won’t invariably give up on sometime between January 20th and February 3rd.
  2. A whole lot more water even if it comes in the form of coffee or tea or Volvic with Robinson’s shots squeezed in or stress tears.
  3. Breathing through my stress and not giving a shit what the people who are walking on your heels are thinking. Because that’s stress you definitely do not need.
  4. Remembering that bringing other people’s problems back to my own experiences or issues is not always helpful and quite often just plain patronising.
  5. Reaching out instead of being insular but to only the people who bring joy into my life and don’t say things like “I Miss You by Blink 182 isn’t even a good song”.
  6. Reminding myself and others that we are not burdens, no matter how much you think you may be. You are not an accident or an annoyance. You are a human being.
  7. Dropping the constant need for reassurance or approval on what I consider “big” decisions. There are people who can sort out their gym membership without their mother’s opinion, you know.
  8. Less Social Media and oversharing, more creative media and active caring.
  9. Listening more, speaking less, understanding better (or at least trying)
  10. Biting my tongue, swallowing my pride and admitting when I’m wrong instead of the stress of making up a half-assed excuse.
  11. No longer religiously and obsessively checking who religiously and obsessively checks my social media.
  12. Buying less things. A lot less things. We have far too much stuff that it’s almost suffocating.
  13. Not waiting for anyone else to join me on doing the things I want. You could wait a lifetime and not get anything done.
  14. No more comparing myself or anyone to anyone else. What one person things is fantastic, another definitely thinks is trash.
  15. Living the idea that there’s only one way to become the person you want to be and that’s just to BE.
  16. Knowing that writing cliched and soppy posts may be one way to get people to roll eyes at you but this is your platform and if it helps just one, it’s worth it.

 

 

 

6 Lessons I’ve Learned From My First Office Job

6 Lessons I’ve Learned From My First Office Job

Hello New Graduates

Welcome to the Real World of taxes, graduate programmes, conferences, long client phone calls, and insurance. It’s not a pretty one. In fact, it often gets really, really ugly. Gone are the days where having four classes in a day was a justifiable complaint, when you could skip a lecture every now and then, where you spent all day and all night labouring over an essay like you were giving birth. Now you’re into what they have been complaining about for decades – the dreaded 9-5.

There are many things you won’t miss. The exams, the study, the essays, the meetings with lecturers or speaking out at seminars but the stress and emotions associated with them, they now come in different forms. You will still stress about writing papers, submitting reviews, passing interview questions or questions from your superiors. Deadlines still exist, as do hangovers, correct email etiquette matters now more than ever but it’s not all bad – in fact, you begin to relish evenings, weekends and bank holidays where you don’t have to come home to more work.

Sure, work life can be stressful but at least you’re spared of the constant fear of how your performance will impact your grade nine months down the road.

I’m out of college 18 months now and I’m in my first office job just over four months – I’ve had stints in shops and internships in the meantime – and I think I’ve learned more from being a so-called “professional” than a student. It’s as if college life prepared you for the basics but nothing can prepare you for everything that it contains.

I’ve prepared six lessons I’ve learned from the last few months of full time office work – including my internship – that I would have loved to have known when I graduated. Remember that starting a full time job is the first step on a very long ladder. You can’t see where it ends but you know that taking that step will bring you closer to whatever it is.

Continue reading “6 Lessons I’ve Learned From My First Office Job”