Yeah, I know it’s been a while but the truth is is that I had nothing to say. Out of all my lists of “post ideas”, all my scouring on the internet for inspiration, I couldn’t find one topic that drove me to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard).
I’ve become very comfortable with hiding away. The idea of being unreachable, uncontactable or just generally *not there* has become so attractive that I find myself going days without talking to my friends or engaging with other people aside from work and home. I like to think that I’m wiping the slate clean and starting from scratch but in actual fact, I’m just getting lonelier.
I started seeing a new counsellor who I’m making great progress with – she suggested that my need to hide away is product of my inability to express anger at what has happened this year and instead I turn it on myself. And wow, it kind of started to make sense.
But in a weird way, I’m happier than I’ve been in a long while. I mean a very long while. In so far as that the things that give me anxiety are minor – yeah, I still get panic attacks but the stuff I’m getting worked up about is very small stuff and if anything it’s the perfect training ground to work on my anxiety. The toxicity that poisoned much of the last year is gone so there is nothing really *to worry* about and honestly, I’d pick this over pure hell.
So many things have taught me real life lessons that I couldn’t have imagined getting my head around this time last year.
I was offered a place in college without having to audition which was an honour in itself but instead of throwing myself in (which I would have done any other year), I find myself having to make a calculated choice based on cost, time, feasibility and my future. For once I have concrete future plans to take into consideration and how they fit in with them rather than just wandering aimlessly through my life.
I’ve learned I have a really bad relationship with food – a whole new world of mental health issues I’ve never acknowledged before.
I can now identify when I need to give myself a little bit of extra love – the signs that mean that things might not be going so well.
But the hardest one – the one I’m still working on – is telling myself that I have a value. That I am worthy of the good things that happen to me and my depression and anxiety and OCD – they’re all valid. Gaslighting has been such a constant in the last few years and it’s left me feeling so unworthy of love, friendships and the many many good things. That’s what I’m working on – that someone’s inability to see your worth doesn’t mean it’s not there.
So here’s to the next year, a fresh start, a new beginning of just being. I’m ready to leave that what doesn’t serve me behind. I’ve moved passed the most difficult few months I’ve had in almost 10 years. You can’t make anyone like you so why not just focus on liking yourself? Less stressful, more gain.
Be good to one another x