I can’t remember the last time I stayed in bed past two but that’s exactly what happened yesterday. The longer I stayed in bed, the more tired I was. I was a livewire by 9pm and couldn’t sleep until past midnight. It was frustrating.
Things just don’t feel okay.
The last time I felt like I had a weight pushing down on my head and shoulders was when I was in college, overwhelmed with stress, and going through days where I wouldn’t talk to anyone. I was isolated, bored, and delicate. It sucked.
And it still does. I don’t know whether the feeling truly goes away or I do things to cover it up until the next time I’m in a slump. All I know is that I sure seem to write about it a lot.
I can really only describe it as The Fear. I overplay things in my head, things I said, things I didn’t say and relive the cringe again and again. I spend nights trying to get to sleep wondering if I said the right thing, did that person think I was ignoring them, did they say that just to brush me off? Overthinking is common: are they being friends with me because they feel they have to? Do people actually like me or have an ulterior motive? Pretty standard for someone with anxiety but I had honestly thought I’d overcome it.
It’s also fear of what is to come. An uncertain job market and financial worry feed into a sense that I am simply not good enough whether that be for a person, a job, or an opportunity.
Like, my self esteem has taken a huge hit.
I’ve been down here before, so I’m not seeking out sympathy. And I’ve been here probably in worse ways, far more unemployable than I am now, but I am still worried, still unsure of my next move, and still totally lost.
Thing is, I don’t have a solution to this. Not yet anyway. I don’t have a quick list of ’15 things to make you feel better’ no matter how hard I rack my brain. Someone suggested to me that it’s a holiday hangover – that I’m on a comedown from all the excitement and running around in London, which is possible but I personally think it’s a burn out from the last few months. Which I know I’ve yapped about before but seems scarily true as of late – take crying in the kitchen yesterday over something very small as a strong red flag.
It’s like being in a car with no seatbelt and it suddenly stopping and as a result, hurtling you through the air until you crash.
All I can do really is slow down and recover. If I’ve learned anything from the last few months, it’s that anything can happen at anytime. And things could be completely different in a week. This settles the fear for a while whilst I work on my sense of self worth.
In short, I’ve decided that this is my time to recharge, to take each day as it comes, to know that in the long run, it doesn’t matter if I oversleep that one day, if I don’t go outside tomorrow, if I don’t contact people. That these blips are just that, blips. Being less hard on yourself will give you a better chance to love yourself *cheesy i no*, and the best opportunity to get better.
I can’t say how things are going to go but I can say from even writing this, that I feel a little more focused. To take this opportunity between jobs to work on myself and tie up loose ends, I mean, that’s a project in itself but one I think I can do.