Remember I wrote about not burning out?
Well, guess what happened to me the other day.
It was a mistake on my part. With so many different things going on, I can see now that it was semi-inevitable. And by the time I began to put things into place to prevent it, it was probably a little too late.
Everything was acting up. From different facets of my personal life, my skin, my sleeping pattern, everything I did or didn’t do made me feel as though I was letting everyone down. I had a really bad cold but I couldn’t cancel work. I was vulnerable. Overthinking. Worrying. And unhappy.
To put it into context, I have seventeen unread messages (sorry guys).
To be fair, I still am still going crazy but I’ve woken up today more rested than I have in a while. I went to bed on Friday and I didn’t wake up for fourteen hours. I got up, made some breakfast, had some tea, went back to my room to read and fell back asleep until 8pm before going to bed at 11.
In total, I was awake about five hours. And it was only this morning when I woke up early and began to berate myself for losing all of yesterday that I realised how much I had been neglecting myself for the sake of other things. How much I needed it. No one should need twenty hours of sleep in a 48 hour period.
Today, I ate properly and got everything I needed to get done before 12pm. And then I reviewed the last few days and can honestly say that I think it was a form of a mini breakdown. Things I was worrying about still worried me but not to the same hounding extent as they did a mere 48 hours ago.
What is imperative now is knowing when I’m about to hit this stage and stopping it before I get there. Knowing that when I get sad about irrational things that it’s time to take a quick rain check. Knowing that if I actually can’t stay awake on the luas or at work that it’s time to stop working so late and put myself first. Knowing that if I assume what others are thinking, it’s going to hurt me more.
I might feel like my grip on things is slipping sometimes and the tighter you hold on, the more you slip, the more nervous you get, and so on.
My issues are unique to me and I won’t ever make comparisons to others. Most of my friends have exams, yearly reports, major events, job interviews, each are inherently scary in their own way but it’s how we deal with it that’s important. It’s knowing when to pull the plug before the water overflows, knowing when to slow down before you crash.