I haven’t disappeared, I promise. I’ve just been exceptionally busy. I’m working a job I love, seeing my friends, buying wonderful Christmas presents, and yeah, it all sounds great but honestly, I can’t help but feeling, well, empty
I think we all feel this from time to time but right now, I’m feeling it more than ever. I don’t know whether it’s because I miss someone or something, or I’m not doing enough of something, or too much of something else.
I’ve tried sleeping until I can’t sleep anymore, going on day trips to clear my head, going on dates, cutting out social media, making new friends, trying new things but this hasn’t stopped my heart feeling really heavy.
It’s different to the depression I’ve had in the past. Back then I could feel nothing and would strive just to have some sort of emotional reaction to something. But this just has the opposite effect. It means I’ve collapsed into a cycle of overspending, guilting myself about it, fearing I’m not good enough, self hating, all culminating into small little breakdowns that set off the cycle again. Not to be dramatic but yeah, it really f***ing hurts.
So in my natural tired, “so done with things” attitude, I tried to seek inspiration where I normally find it. Nada. I try to do what other people do to be ‘happy’ and I just wind up feeling stupid and abnormal. So it was only when I was not looking for inspiration when I found this:
Eudora Welty knows what’s up.
This to me says:
“Yeah, you’re not like the other girls he normally dates and that’s ok”
“Yeah, everyone else is excited about Christmas but you want to bury yourself in a duvet hole, and that’s ok”
“Yeah, you might not be what people expect, and that is ok”.
It says ultimately that you may feel empty but that doesn’t mean you’re any less of a person. Don’t force someone else’s habits on to yourself in dire hope of being happy. Don’t assume everyone else has it figured out. Don’t be like the rest of them.
(It’s also something you could imagine Gustav H. from The Grand Budapest Hotel saying and if you know me, then you know my love for Wes Anderson. “A person only needs to be loved, and they will open up like a flower”, is another iconic one of his, and one also pertinent to this post.)
It’s validation for who you are. And when you’re ok with that, you’re ok with yourself.